Ah, night shift – but a more permanent version…Trooper has escaped the web and found himself a finer spot in the world. A rifle in the hand at every moment, it is a closer thing to what he is, deep down, than that road warrior he has played for decades, now. His intense happiness sharply contrasts with my grim perseverence.
I am mortally tired. Mentally exhausted, I worried for my commute home today. “Lines, watch that lane, are they slowing?” It was as if I had a personal blue screen of death creeping up on me and I wondered, distantly, if it was a taste of what those who have panic attacks suffer.
Too much work, too much technical bullshit and change going on, and the dogs – God, the dogs…I haven’t got it in me tonight to deal with them. A quick walk then home, they’ve managed to entertain themselves since. But I cannot help but consider that this is how it will be for weeks. Maybe longer. And I must not complain. It is, truly, a very good shift.
I am not a fan of the season, really. Never have been. Perhaps it was too many holiday evenings alone that turned me away from them. It feels like I’m being a whiny bitch. I watch something like this and wonder.
A friend who can fly anything with wings or blade had spoken of the very thing recently – the gentle feathering, the need to balance the craft on a wheel as the load of man and burden forces the craft off the ledge and that must not happen. No – it must be a lift and then departure, even if the lift is just enough to clear the wheels because just that little snag is enough to halt everything, permanently.
I think back to the weekend, the evening at the ranch as we waited for hogs to come…so at peace in that moonlit land…a single coyote howled. Perhaps the one we startled as we returned from our survey hike. The answer came immediately and with vigor. A pack nearby and then another further down the range and another yet, further still – all of them in a kind of chain so that we were surrounded by them and their ancient cries of – what was it? Solidarity? A comforting retort so that all knew that none were entirely alone? It was a stunning experience.
Yes, Christmas it is but merry it is not. Just a drive for the familial duty as he works the holidays away and perhaps then I can rest. Just a little time…a little peace…and maybe that is the sentiment I need to take away from this whole mad season – peace. Quiet. Silent night.