Stand To

So many have written eloquent words about the day. I cannot bring myself to try harder…nothing left in me, no energy or will to color within the patriotic lines this day.

Trooper walks his post today, hydrating and opening the cooler to see what I’ve packed for him. My days start early, always, with dogs needing attention and Trooper needing breakfast and then, on most days, the preparation of the dinner meal at mid-morning for him to take along. Exhausting, all that labor to ensure he eats well on the job that does not allow any departure once there.

Exhausting, too, my own work…people with behaviors I do not approve of and yet must support. I have to remind myself of the comfort I enjoy because of that role. Hundreds of people would line up to have it. Hundreds…

Because the economy is set to teeter then totter and force us all to make decisions that we’ve never been forced to make. Our grandparents knew those awful options – and could make it work because they were up to the challenge. But what of our accounts, all electronic and so easily snatched to zero if it was declared necessary? Hence, my borrowing against it to fund our vehicle, our other imperative purchases…if it will be worthless, best I make use of it now. If I’d been thinking, I would have tacked on a bit more to just get away for a time.

All this…this dark view is tiresome, too. I try to remember the good things. But my patience is thin and I have little to offer to others…distant friends act like fools and it takes all I have to stay quiet in the face of it. I am weary of this mask of gentility. The cold heart of my youth struggles against my facade of respectability. When do I get to rant and yell? Where is my vacation you goddamned usurper?

Blame this unending heat and vanished rain. Blame the ironing stacked away. Blame the dogs, pressing for fun that doesn’t include going outside. Everything seems prickly and wrong no matter which way I try to turn it. No amount of spin can turn this ennui around. I am no good friend to man nor beast these days.

Time, I think, for sleep. Rest – and later to try again to stand against it all and smile. Smile as the wolf gnaws. Hold what you’ve got. Stand to.

Just…tomorrow, okay?

3 responses to “Stand To

  1. Whenever I get too uppity, I think on the parable of the forgiven debt (Matt 18:23-35). Lord knows the gap between me and anyone else on this ol' earth that drives me nuts is a heck of a lot smaller than the gap between me and Him.

    Also, chocolate. Chocolate helps. :p

    Hope things are better for you today.

  2. You two – bless ya…
    As I noted in today's missive – I had utterly forgotten the reason for my black mood…mom died on the 4th a few years back. I was stricken when it came to me, finally. “And now I understand everything.”

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