Bereft – The Word Now Has Meaning

Kota_Last_Photo_9_27_17We had to let her go last night.

It was strange that, as she lay down in what must have been agony, the storm was coming through and I only asked for no thunder, no lightning – that she not be terrified as well as so very sick. And so it was – the rain pounding but quietly as we tried to rush her to the emergency vet. Too late…much too late. A ruptured intestine with septic infection all around.

I took that photo on her next to last night, her quiet rest and seeming smile did not ease my mind as I knew, knew intimately, that she was not right. She’d seen the vet that day who noted a swelling in her belly and scheduled the ultrasound 2 days later when she could fit her in at lunch. Fit her in…

I could burn the place to the ground in my current state of mind. I consider that their negligence killed my dog. I believe my waiting and relying on them made me her cause of death.

And as the emergency vet stated so gently, so factually, one could operate but she would not make it…she was dying as they put her on the gurney. We made our farewells and I kept my wits in the midst of it. But all night and all day I have known only waking terror and guilt. It will pass, as all such troubles do. But it will take me a very long time to not feel that burden. I shall carry it until its weight becomes one and I no longer sense it…until I don’t open the wound fresh each hour.

Strong, she was so very strong and never once yelped or protested as I forced her in desperation into the truck. Even at the end when they put in the needle she still raised her head in demand, in how dare they…until her head was too heavy and sleep took her pain all the way away. And brought our share to our hands. Strong. So strong. What will I do without my shadow?

Change Of Pace

My…what a week can bring…we survived the storm just fine only to find a new wave coming ashore. We have somewhat unexpectedly moved my elderly father into our home. A lot of familial drama ensued which forced our hand but, in the end, we expected it and had a plan of sorts to execute. Sarge’s dress out room is now Dad’s along with the (blessedly edited to senior living) attached bath.

I cannot say how sorry I felt for him for all the things he endured in the last month but it is water under the bridge and we are moving forward. However, the changes to all the health programs and SocSec is madness. Add in the VA and you have a recipe for ruination. But we’re slowly knocking it all out, checking things off the list. Imagine changing your address twice with all those agencies in 30 days.

I am, of course, thankful for Sarge’s acceptance of the life. We had at least discussed it well in advance and weren’t entirely surprised. It is just Change. And who knows for how long…he may elect to move back to FLA in 6 weeks, 6 months, a year or never. We’re defaulting to Never to just set our expectations. He is not in perfect health though still quite vital and fully cognizant. All that a blessing for us, of course. But he is chafing a bit at the sedate country life. I have told him we will soon have him active in the VFW, the JCC, his MENSA group, etc. Just takes time to get settled and organized.

It hasn’t been aided by the fact that my mobile phone went toes up a week ago. It has taken that long for the replacement process due to one error after another. It was insured so the cost won’t be horrid. And, in truth, it has been nice to be disconnected from the minute to minute social updates. I miss my Audible stories, mostly, and the ability to take a quick photo but otherwise…no. The peace has been nice in all this turmoil.

Add on the fact that my dryer decided to die a few days ago – just in time for washing all the new linens for his bed and refresh his wardrobe….well, it has been challenging. But the dryer was fixed today, I get my phone tomorrow, and things will be okay.

One thing that hasn’t been really pressed was his desire to Drive. It is Sarge’s only no-go item and it is wise. We had a very honest and open discussion in which I indicated we’d take him anywhere he wanted to go whenever he liked. He didn’t want to become an imposition, of course, but far better to drive him than to deal with accidents.

At least the weather is getting more temperate. I can almost smell autumn on the wind. And all that rain was such a blessing to the parched ground. The large cracks have closed and the grass is green and high. Truly a lovely sight. But now duty calls…